Confusion

Okay well I think I will have to get over Ashleigh, she loves me and I love her but it just can't work. I need someone who can be loyal to me, she needs someone who would let her be free to go explore her curiosities when shes bored, it just won't work. This has been the hardest decision of my life but I think we will have to be good friends, nothing more I can't stand to let my heart be shattered again by a repeat performance (which I have no doubt will happen and be a lot quicker than last time because shes done it once, its easier the second time). It was a amazing relationship that has changed me so much and for the better. I would give the world to go back and try make it right again, but that isn't a option. So goodbye Ashleigh from my heart, you will all ways have a piece of it with you.

Now I have recently gone back into the world of single people I have got back to the head fuck that is women and the games they play. Its like I'm constantly jumping over a line, she likes me, she doesn't, she likes me, she doesn't, and for a not very good looking guy like me who doesn't have much of a future and is fairly shy these instances don't come around to often.

There is one girl at the moment, I have no clue what she thinks of me, I could swear she is sending messages of that she likes me, but then BAM message she doesn't like me so I back off. Then the next day same thing all into me talking to me like she wants me doing the flirts, soon as I bring up something slightly flirty BAM roadblock, please go back to where you started from. This is a mind fuck and a half, but oh how I wish this one would be after me.

I've already had feelings for and lost for one of my close friends as well (I'm thinking she was a rebound attraction or something because she showed me sympathy in my time of need, though don't get me wrong she is very attractive to me since I met her) and it was the same deal, but she is naturally all ways been very flirty and has a boyfriend at the moment who is a mate of mine. So I'm happy I'm over her but it was so confusing at the start as well. Why can't women be upfront and not play games? Make my life a whole lot easier trust me.

So other than that I've had another problem, even under the effects of alcohol I can't even muster up the strength to talk to a new girl. I am just overly shy, it's really quite embarrassing. I wish I was one of them guys who can just talk, make a joke or something, but no I'm one of those guys who gets a frog in throat and croaks or manages to say something that is more like a whisper, go bright red and look down into whatever I'm holding or shoes. Usually though I don't even get to that point, I can't even wave from across the room, if someone waves at me I have been known to ignore them and hope they didn't notice I delibritly ignored them because I don't want to be mean I'm just to shy to wave. I wish I could fix this then I would be able to go out there and experience the life that I wish I had. That life just so you know is being able to go out and just be able to pick up, not necessarily sleep with people, just make new friends and talk.

So my love life is pretty much non-existent at the moment, I have one hope and if that turns out they actually don't like me there is no one left I can talk to and I will have to overcome my fear of people, be a man and actually, to my horror, talk to someone new... -gulp- wish me luck.

Lukey T signing out

Since the last post...

Since my last post I have matured so much and experienced more than I could've even imagined. I found love, had my first kiss, I made new friends, I felt the effects of alcohol, I have nearly died crashing a car, I have broken someones trust and regained it, lost my virginity, I have been interviewed by the police, Nearly sent to jail for something I never said, had depression, anxiety, finished year 11, had my 18th, been clubbing, been to many concerts of my favorite bands, got a job, got a car, lost all my money, racked up debts, gained and lost my liscene, learnt how to fix stuff with my car, wagged a lot of school, fought with my family, actually left home for a few weeks, came back, failing and passing year 12, have everyone doubt me passing year 12, and most recently lost the love of my life and have to watch her go.

Most of that I cant say I'm proud of, can't say i dislike it either, there where some major ups and some major downs, I'm probably forgetting some big events from that list. But the reason for the list is the first and last thing in that post, my one love, Ashleigh Kate Gade...

I asked her out all that time ago 22nd of December 2008 and as of 4th of October 2010 it is officially over... We are still friends but i cant say for how long for, it was a mutual break because she developed feelings for a ex-colleague called Tony. You may ask why it was a mutual break, the answer is she remained fateful but she couldn't shake these feelings and her heart wasn't 100% with me, and I believe that if both aren't 100% in it nothing good can come from it, and it seemed my belief was true, we were fighting all the time. I had to give her up so she could persue her feelings for another guy... I don't think anyone could imagine how hard that could be unless they have been in the same exact situation. If someone cheats on you, you feel hurt but because your angry you can break easier. If you just break because you are both fighting it would be hard but you both would probably have a amount of time where it would take time to develop real feelings to become a new relationship with someone else. That is what is with me I couldn't dream of getting with anyone else at the moment but she is at this very moment on pretty much a date with him, she had already begun to move on weeks before we broke, not because she wanted to she was trying to repress it and she avoided him and I knew about this the entire time. I tried my hardest to win her back to be completely be in love with me again, but all efforts obviously failed, it was and still is a awful breakup in the worst way, I'm still her very good friend who she goes to for advice, but at the moment that advice is what to do with the new boy and how to pick up on signs and stuff like this. It doesn't help this boy seems to have some strong feelings for him also. This is killing me, each morning i wake up just wanting to go back to my dreams where the clock is wound back a couple of months or years to where we were happy together. I don't eat right unless she is around because I worry about what she is doing. I dread talking to her but I crave it because I need to know whats going on in her life during the day. I can't get to sleep because I don't know if i can trust she is at her house trying to do the same. Life couldn't get much worse for me, I haven't ended up making effort to do anything constructive these holidays because I just can get the courage or something of that sort to do it because I am worrying about what she is doing and I need to know what she is doing so I can't think straight. I feel like I'm about to throw up as I'm writing this because all I can think of is his smug face with her at the moment. I have never met the bloke but I want to punch his little face in, I know if we met on different circumstances we probably would get on really well, he seems to be much like me... The part that makes this the hardest though is she says she loves me and needed the break to get her head around to see who she actually wants because she is confused, so I am left out in the cold but with that hope of her to come back and take me back. How am I meant to move on if there is a chance of the love of my life coming back? I can't move on because I love her to get away from the pain, but I want to move on to get rid of this pain but then I believe I will lose all hope of ever being with her again and being happy like I used to. I'm stuck in the middle of two of the hardest things to choose between, for now at least it looks like I will have to just hold on with this heart break just to see if I can get it mended...

Thank you, I needed this vent

stupid test

I just took a depression test as a joke, and it says I'm on the way to being depressed i should try to be more happy or some shit or else ill be depressed. Stupid thing doesn't know what its going on about. Im happy atm, just extremerly tired -yawns- and I don't enjoy doing some things I used to. Ohwellz I no I'm all good so nothing else matters.

Don't really have much else to say. Been pretty boring weeks lately, no fighting with anyone because I'm keeping out of it. Driving is going better then it was though, I have weekly lessons now, have to try go out driving with my dad soon though to get my hours up, only on 20.

I have had no exams, which I'm about, but I'm a big brother now. I so far had fun with the little kids, the homegroup that me and Raymond had on transition day was good. They where loud but shut up when i told them to and where making jokes and wern't to shy. So the perfect mix =D. Hopfully me and Raymond get most of them next year.

Lately I have had no time to do much and I've been screwed since friday night when i stayed up till 4 around Zowtyjs. No clue why, I have been going to bed at like 6-9 everyday except monday night. Usually I get over tiredness after one earlier night and I have had many... weird... ohwellz im out till next time

The Way, My Black Hole

I don't know what is wrong and what is right. I don't know if my outlook on life is good enough. I don't know if i which or if any of my friends will remain though my later years. I don't even no my direction in life. I guess this is just the way for people who have the "ill just cruze though life with no past, no future, just the moment" way of thinking.

Im not saying that this is a good or bad thing. From how my life is going at the moment and how i have turned out so far im really happy with it, but then very few people would say they where unhappy with who they are unless they where close to sucicide or something =S.

Anyways back to me, at the moment im deciding many things that are small now but could have huge effects in the future. I have already made alot of these decisions without thinking about the effects of it. I will continue this way like usual, turn up my music and just roll with what ever as usual. This is my way, im happy with it, so infact i will say "This Is The Way."

Now onto my second subject, my escape. A home is ment to be "an environment offering affection and security" http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&hs=Vwy&defl=en&q=define:home&sa=X&oi=glossary_definition&ct=title but my so called home doesnt provide either of these things for me. Its ment to be an escape from all the bad in your life and be able to think about things, but i come "home" and i just feel more unsafe and get into shouting contests, both of these things are the opposite of what is ment to be.

By the definition school is more of a home to me. I get affection from my friends and i feel alot safer there, odd as that sounds, school is more my home. So my house isn't my escape, but one part of it at times is an escape, my room, speakers blaring, blocks out all thoughts, all the fighting, nothing can go into or be created in my head, just the music. Yes this isn't good way of dealing with things, because it is completely ignoring everthing, but it is the only way in this "home" for me. Im depressed here most the time i think, i don't know if i could be called "clinicly depressed" but i can tell you I'm not happy here. I just feel like sleeping most the time, but as soon as i get out of the house and im with anyone else, i get energy again. Weird feeling trust me, this is my black hole, that isn't a reference to YO, honestly i don't care for a thing about that anymore, i mean it is a black hole because it just sucks all my bright happyness out of me. My usual smiling 24/7 is gone, my nothing face is now on 24/7, my parents have commented about it over the year, I have changed since last year at home and not for the better, but in my opinon it aint for the worse either. But i got to admit it would be nice to have the fighting to stop. Well keep looking here every weekend for more updates on my life, which would most likely involve my black hole.

Over Them

Basically the whole blog is about how im over my parents and everything about them. Yes they brought me up, yes they have kept me clothed and kept me healthy and all that. But our personalities just don't mix.

Fist off we will start off with the least hated of the two, my Dad, also known as Guy William Taylor (yes thats the same middle name as me). I can have ocnversations with him without them getting out of control, those times i wouldn't trade for the world. There good, we talk about politics, money, his bisness, people around us, how mum is overreacting about something. But then when it comes to what you should get out of life for him its all about money, near no enjoyment. Of course im the opposite, i tell him he should quit his work and retire, or at least do less hours he has employees that can do the work for him. But no he has to be out working all the time, when he isnt working at his job hes working doing something at home or sleeping, i do respect him for that. But personally I think he does this to keep away from home, because there are always arguments here. Now and again me and him get so fired up at each other we have to be seperated because where about to though a fist at each other, and this has happened before, of course i was the one who got canned, but i dont give a shit. Its usually over something to do with school and how I dont care if I fail something or something like that. But these usually happen because he is all ready fired up from a argument with my mum, which happens probz 5-6 out of the 7 days a week. Other than the little fights i can live with him.

Now for my Mum, or Debra Taylor. She is someone I hate normally so much, she thinks shes allways right, she thinks she is better than me, she thinks money is the main thing in life, she likes to be in control, when shes wrong she gets fired up and goes off topic, when im talking to her about something little she goes off at me for no reason. A good example for this is that once in english I "snatched" a sheet off Mrs. Irving, and then Mrs. Irving took the sheet back and I had to copy off someone else, i nearly finnished the assignment. Anyways, after school in the car Mum asked what homework I had tonite, I said I had some english but I couldn't do it because I didnt have the sheet. I had to explain to her why I didn't have it, then she went off, going how rude I must have been and all this shit. But it didn't end there I had to write a appology note to Mrs. Irving which I gave to her the next day and she was like that was unnecisary, tell your mum that. But it didn't end there, my mum deleted my assignment and made me redo it infront of her, and I had to get all the info off someone else. This is just one example of her over-reacting.

Now today, as soon as I got home after walking from Adams she asks "do you want a drving lesson?" i caually just said no because im to tired from walking, then she just had a mass go at me because I never want to go out or some shit. Then shes like I wont bother having the driving instructor comeing here, i just walked off because I know theres no point fighting. Then after tea I went upstairs and sat next to her while she was on her computer, then she said the computer was going slow, she started going oh why dont you make this go faster its all your stuff on here, again this is wrong, i haevnt had one thing of mine on there for years, i have my own computer. Then she had a go at me for using up all the usuage of our measly 2 gig of downloads for the net. I just calmly said that it isn't enough downloads and I hardly use any of it brookes downloading music allmost 24/7. The amount I use is a little bit, and we only go onto dailup speed when it goes over. She was complaining it takes ages to load pages on dailup speed, which is like a min, I just said she had no pacients. That set her off completely, she just had some mass go at me, shouting her head off, and like usual i try get her to calm down. Didn't work like usual, i just walked off much easier.

I give up on them, Im on the verg of giving up on my family all together. Honestly I want my parents to get a divorce, would make my life alot calmer i think. My Dad and Mum wouldnt be fighting constently, cuausing them to be pissy then take it out on me and my sis. Shes lucky though because they never blame her for anything, im the one to blame, but i rather it that way, I would hate for her to go though what I have to sometimes.

I GIVE UP!!!

Forever and a Day

there must be a good reason why,
which i dont know,
but i know its not another guy,
but now im told to go,
coz your close to me,
ill do what you say,
coz you n me are ment to be,
ill wait for you forever and a day,
ill wait till that day is here,
that day when we will meet again,
you can shed a tear,
i might aswell coz your my friend,
ill wait for you till the very end,
this is the mesage i want to send


Ill wait every day,
ill be hear forever,
ill be hear no matter what you say,
ill be waiting though all good and bad weather


now that where going to be apart,
i dont know what to say,
i dont know where to start,
ull probz be waiting for a awnser all day,
but if i can rhyme it out,
it just might work,
i hope you get wat this is about,
this rhyme i hope doesnt hurt,
its ment to reassure that ill wait,
when your gone,
this is coz ur my mate,
ill just carry on,
then when you come back,
ill be welcoming with open arms,
i guess im just a sap,
hopefully itll be soon with no more dramz


Ill wait every day,
ill be hear forever,
ill be hear no matter what you say,
ill be waiting though all good and bad weather


my friend its been a couple of days now,
you could never understand how,
im feeling so freaking down,
if you saw me you be like wow,
how am i ment to keep on going,
when i cant talk to you because of the problems your towing,
im ment to keep on growing,
but theres cracks in me and its showing,
but ill stay strong, coz this is just another of lifes tests,
because no matter what i do it cant go any more wrong,
ill just wait i guess,
i got nothing else to say,
other than to bless,
coz you are the one whos canged my way,
just remember once again,
ill always be here for you forever and a day


Ill wait every day,
ill be hear forever,
ill be hear no matter what you say,
ill be waiting though all good and bad weather


When we met again,
it was the best,
better than seeing anyone of my friends,
i want to be with you know nonstop with no rest,
it may not ave been so long,
but it was the worst torture i could go though,
but my love is more for you than jane did king kong,
coz everyone knows its ment to be us two,
i guess i was right,
i didnt forget you,
i neva mentally lost sight,
i left you secret messages did u get the clue?,
now we can be foreva tight,
this i can always say,
coz i feel higher than a kite,
coz i manage to live forever and a day

So what are your reasons for war?

Now I no what I’m going to touch on will be a bit controversial,
but this needs to be said because it is universal,
why the hell on this great planet are we fighting,
this is the main reason for this song I’m writing,
there are much bigger issues in the world today,
like the right for everyone in countries to have a say,
how about those starving kids in all theses places,
it would make you want to kill yourself for not caring if u saw there faces,
so stop spending all your money on all these stupid conflicts,
because just for ignoring all these world issues you should be convicts


Kevin how about we stop these wars,
stop sending off the poor,
go yourself to these places and tell them the reasons there fighting for,
then you might change your views after what you’ve saw


Now to go on about something about you soilders,
you no our heros, u no what ever the goverment told us,
i dont have anything against you personally,
unlike howard did with the aboriginal nationallity,
i respect the idea what your fighting for,
its just to bad all you good guys got cuaght up in war,
i think most of you dont agree with all this stupidity,
and you care more about everyday humanity,
but until they day when we actually are deffending,
i wont be jioning any war coz this is never ending,


Kevin how about we stop these wars,
stop sending off the poor,
go yourself to these places and tell them the reasons there fighting for,
then you might change your views after what you’ve saw


now rudd if you try this stupid thing called conscrition,
we all will know youve got a power hungry addiction,
and every single youth of this great nation,
will be hyjakin and speakin on every single station,
coz that is the most stupid decsion of all time,
its worse to me then any amount of crime,
taking away our great nations choice of freedom,
coz i wont be sent away off to war just to be shot n bleedin,
you know how well it went down in vietnam,
still all of the vetians still arnt able to feel the calm,
so you cant tell me anything to do with war is right
,so the next conflict, itll b to you who i bring the fight