Most of that I cant say I'm proud of, can't say i dislike it either, there where some major ups and some major downs, I'm probably forgetting some big events from that list. But the reason for the list is the first and last thing in that post, my one love, Ashleigh Kate Gade...
I asked her out all that time ago 22nd of December 2008 and as of 4th of October 2010 it is officially over... We are still friends but i cant say for how long for, it was a mutual break because she developed feelings for a ex-colleague called Tony. You may ask why it was a mutual break, the answer is she remained fateful but she couldn't shake these feelings and her heart wasn't 100% with me, and I believe that if both aren't 100% in it nothing good can come from it, and it seemed my belief was true, we were fighting all the time. I had to give her up so she could persue her feelings for another guy... I don't think anyone could imagine how hard that could be unless they have been in the same exact situation. If someone cheats on you, you feel hurt but because your angry you can break easier. If you just break because you are both fighting it would be hard but you both would probably have a amount of time where it would take time to develop real feelings to become a new relationship with someone else. That is what is with me I couldn't dream of getting with anyone else at the moment but she is at this very moment on pretty much a date with him, she had already begun to move on weeks before we broke, not because she wanted to she was trying to repress it and she avoided him and I knew about this the entire time. I tried my hardest to win her back to be completely be in love with me again, but all efforts obviously failed, it was and still is a awful breakup in the worst way, I'm still her very good friend who she goes to for advice, but at the moment that advice is what to do with the new boy and how to pick up on signs and stuff like this. It doesn't help this boy seems to have some strong feelings for him also. This is killing me, each morning i wake up just wanting to go back to my dreams where the clock is wound back a couple of months or years to where we were happy together. I don't eat right unless she is around because I worry about what she is doing. I dread talking to her but I crave it because I need to know whats going on in her life during the day. I can't get to sleep because I don't know if i can trust she is at her house trying to do the same. Life couldn't get much worse for me, I haven't ended up making effort to do anything constructive these holidays because I just can get the courage or something of that sort to do it because I am worrying about what she is doing and I need to know what she is doing so I can't think straight. I feel like I'm about to throw up as I'm writing this because all I can think of is his smug face with her at the moment. I have never met the bloke but I want to punch his little face in, I know if we met on different circumstances we probably would get on really well, he seems to be much like me... The part that makes this the hardest though is she says she loves me and needed the break to get her head around to see who she actually wants because she is confused, so I am left out in the cold but with that hope of her to come back and take me back. How am I meant to move on if there is a chance of the love of my life coming back? I can't move on because I love her to get away from the pain, but I want to move on to get rid of this pain but then I believe I will lose all hope of ever being with her again and being happy like I used to. I'm stuck in the middle of two of the hardest things to choose between, for now at least it looks like I will have to just hold on with this heart break just to see if I can get it mended...
Thank you, I needed this vent
