Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Way, My Black Hole

I don't know what is wrong and what is right. I don't know if my outlook on life is good enough. I don't know if i which or if any of my friends will remain though my later years. I don't even no my direction in life. I guess this is just the way for people who have the "ill just cruze though life with no past, no future, just the moment" way of thinking.

Im not saying that this is a good or bad thing. From how my life is going at the moment and how i have turned out so far im really happy with it, but then very few people would say they where unhappy with who they are unless they where close to sucicide or something =S.

Anyways back to me, at the moment im deciding many things that are small now but could have huge effects in the future. I have already made alot of these decisions without thinking about the effects of it. I will continue this way like usual, turn up my music and just roll with what ever as usual. This is my way, im happy with it, so infact i will say "This Is The Way."

Now onto my second subject, my escape. A home is ment to be "an environment offering affection and security" http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&safe=off&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-GB:official&hs=Vwy&defl=en&q=define:home&sa=X&oi=glossary_definition&ct=title but my so called home doesnt provide either of these things for me. Its ment to be an escape from all the bad in your life and be able to think about things, but i come "home" and i just feel more unsafe and get into shouting contests, both of these things are the opposite of what is ment to be.

By the definition school is more of a home to me. I get affection from my friends and i feel alot safer there, odd as that sounds, school is more my home. So my house isn't my escape, but one part of it at times is an escape, my room, speakers blaring, blocks out all thoughts, all the fighting, nothing can go into or be created in my head, just the music. Yes this isn't good way of dealing with things, because it is completely ignoring everthing, but it is the only way in this "home" for me. Im depressed here most the time i think, i don't know if i could be called "clinicly depressed" but i can tell you I'm not happy here. I just feel like sleeping most the time, but as soon as i get out of the house and im with anyone else, i get energy again. Weird feeling trust me, this is my black hole, that isn't a reference to YO, honestly i don't care for a thing about that anymore, i mean it is a black hole because it just sucks all my bright happyness out of me. My usual smiling 24/7 is gone, my nothing face is now on 24/7, my parents have commented about it over the year, I have changed since last year at home and not for the better, but in my opinon it aint for the worse either. But i got to admit it would be nice to have the fighting to stop. Well keep looking here every weekend for more updates on my life, which would most likely involve my black hole.

1 comment:

[Not] your hero, said...

:(

btw you need to change your time settings

but

aww.. i am distracted so can't come up with good response