Confusion

Okay well I think I will have to get over Ashleigh, she loves me and I love her but it just can't work. I need someone who can be loyal to me, she needs someone who would let her be free to go explore her curiosities when shes bored, it just won't work. This has been the hardest decision of my life but I think we will have to be good friends, nothing more I can't stand to let my heart be shattered again by a repeat performance (which I have no doubt will happen and be a lot quicker than last time because shes done it once, its easier the second time). It was a amazing relationship that has changed me so much and for the better. I would give the world to go back and try make it right again, but that isn't a option. So goodbye Ashleigh from my heart, you will all ways have a piece of it with you.

Now I have recently gone back into the world of single people I have got back to the head fuck that is women and the games they play. Its like I'm constantly jumping over a line, she likes me, she doesn't, she likes me, she doesn't, and for a not very good looking guy like me who doesn't have much of a future and is fairly shy these instances don't come around to often.

There is one girl at the moment, I have no clue what she thinks of me, I could swear she is sending messages of that she likes me, but then BAM message she doesn't like me so I back off. Then the next day same thing all into me talking to me like she wants me doing the flirts, soon as I bring up something slightly flirty BAM roadblock, please go back to where you started from. This is a mind fuck and a half, but oh how I wish this one would be after me.

I've already had feelings for and lost for one of my close friends as well (I'm thinking she was a rebound attraction or something because she showed me sympathy in my time of need, though don't get me wrong she is very attractive to me since I met her) and it was the same deal, but she is naturally all ways been very flirty and has a boyfriend at the moment who is a mate of mine. So I'm happy I'm over her but it was so confusing at the start as well. Why can't women be upfront and not play games? Make my life a whole lot easier trust me.

So other than that I've had another problem, even under the effects of alcohol I can't even muster up the strength to talk to a new girl. I am just overly shy, it's really quite embarrassing. I wish I was one of them guys who can just talk, make a joke or something, but no I'm one of those guys who gets a frog in throat and croaks or manages to say something that is more like a whisper, go bright red and look down into whatever I'm holding or shoes. Usually though I don't even get to that point, I can't even wave from across the room, if someone waves at me I have been known to ignore them and hope they didn't notice I delibritly ignored them because I don't want to be mean I'm just to shy to wave. I wish I could fix this then I would be able to go out there and experience the life that I wish I had. That life just so you know is being able to go out and just be able to pick up, not necessarily sleep with people, just make new friends and talk.

So my love life is pretty much non-existent at the moment, I have one hope and if that turns out they actually don't like me there is no one left I can talk to and I will have to overcome my fear of people, be a man and actually, to my horror, talk to someone new... -gulp- wish me luck.

Lukey T signing out

Since the last post...

Since my last post I have matured so much and experienced more than I could've even imagined. I found love, had my first kiss, I made new friends, I felt the effects of alcohol, I have nearly died crashing a car, I have broken someones trust and regained it, lost my virginity, I have been interviewed by the police, Nearly sent to jail for something I never said, had depression, anxiety, finished year 11, had my 18th, been clubbing, been to many concerts of my favorite bands, got a job, got a car, lost all my money, racked up debts, gained and lost my liscene, learnt how to fix stuff with my car, wagged a lot of school, fought with my family, actually left home for a few weeks, came back, failing and passing year 12, have everyone doubt me passing year 12, and most recently lost the love of my life and have to watch her go.

Most of that I cant say I'm proud of, can't say i dislike it either, there where some major ups and some major downs, I'm probably forgetting some big events from that list. But the reason for the list is the first and last thing in that post, my one love, Ashleigh Kate Gade...

I asked her out all that time ago 22nd of December 2008 and as of 4th of October 2010 it is officially over... We are still friends but i cant say for how long for, it was a mutual break because she developed feelings for a ex-colleague called Tony. You may ask why it was a mutual break, the answer is she remained fateful but she couldn't shake these feelings and her heart wasn't 100% with me, and I believe that if both aren't 100% in it nothing good can come from it, and it seemed my belief was true, we were fighting all the time. I had to give her up so she could persue her feelings for another guy... I don't think anyone could imagine how hard that could be unless they have been in the same exact situation. If someone cheats on you, you feel hurt but because your angry you can break easier. If you just break because you are both fighting it would be hard but you both would probably have a amount of time where it would take time to develop real feelings to become a new relationship with someone else. That is what is with me I couldn't dream of getting with anyone else at the moment but she is at this very moment on pretty much a date with him, she had already begun to move on weeks before we broke, not because she wanted to she was trying to repress it and she avoided him and I knew about this the entire time. I tried my hardest to win her back to be completely be in love with me again, but all efforts obviously failed, it was and still is a awful breakup in the worst way, I'm still her very good friend who she goes to for advice, but at the moment that advice is what to do with the new boy and how to pick up on signs and stuff like this. It doesn't help this boy seems to have some strong feelings for him also. This is killing me, each morning i wake up just wanting to go back to my dreams where the clock is wound back a couple of months or years to where we were happy together. I don't eat right unless she is around because I worry about what she is doing. I dread talking to her but I crave it because I need to know whats going on in her life during the day. I can't get to sleep because I don't know if i can trust she is at her house trying to do the same. Life couldn't get much worse for me, I haven't ended up making effort to do anything constructive these holidays because I just can get the courage or something of that sort to do it because I am worrying about what she is doing and I need to know what she is doing so I can't think straight. I feel like I'm about to throw up as I'm writing this because all I can think of is his smug face with her at the moment. I have never met the bloke but I want to punch his little face in, I know if we met on different circumstances we probably would get on really well, he seems to be much like me... The part that makes this the hardest though is she says she loves me and needed the break to get her head around to see who she actually wants because she is confused, so I am left out in the cold but with that hope of her to come back and take me back. How am I meant to move on if there is a chance of the love of my life coming back? I can't move on because I love her to get away from the pain, but I want to move on to get rid of this pain but then I believe I will lose all hope of ever being with her again and being happy like I used to. I'm stuck in the middle of two of the hardest things to choose between, for now at least it looks like I will have to just hold on with this heart break just to see if I can get it mended...

Thank you, I needed this vent