Confusion

Okay well I think I will have to get over Ashleigh, she loves me and I love her but it just can't work. I need someone who can be loyal to me, she needs someone who would let her be free to go explore her curiosities when shes bored, it just won't work. This has been the hardest decision of my life but I think we will have to be good friends, nothing more I can't stand to let my heart be shattered again by a repeat performance (which I have no doubt will happen and be a lot quicker than last time because shes done it once, its easier the second time). It was a amazing relationship that has changed me so much and for the better. I would give the world to go back and try make it right again, but that isn't a option. So goodbye Ashleigh from my heart, you will all ways have a piece of it with you.

Now I have recently gone back into the world of single people I have got back to the head fuck that is women and the games they play. Its like I'm constantly jumping over a line, she likes me, she doesn't, she likes me, she doesn't, and for a not very good looking guy like me who doesn't have much of a future and is fairly shy these instances don't come around to often.

There is one girl at the moment, I have no clue what she thinks of me, I could swear she is sending messages of that she likes me, but then BAM message she doesn't like me so I back off. Then the next day same thing all into me talking to me like she wants me doing the flirts, soon as I bring up something slightly flirty BAM roadblock, please go back to where you started from. This is a mind fuck and a half, but oh how I wish this one would be after me.

I've already had feelings for and lost for one of my close friends as well (I'm thinking she was a rebound attraction or something because she showed me sympathy in my time of need, though don't get me wrong she is very attractive to me since I met her) and it was the same deal, but she is naturally all ways been very flirty and has a boyfriend at the moment who is a mate of mine. So I'm happy I'm over her but it was so confusing at the start as well. Why can't women be upfront and not play games? Make my life a whole lot easier trust me.

So other than that I've had another problem, even under the effects of alcohol I can't even muster up the strength to talk to a new girl. I am just overly shy, it's really quite embarrassing. I wish I was one of them guys who can just talk, make a joke or something, but no I'm one of those guys who gets a frog in throat and croaks or manages to say something that is more like a whisper, go bright red and look down into whatever I'm holding or shoes. Usually though I don't even get to that point, I can't even wave from across the room, if someone waves at me I have been known to ignore them and hope they didn't notice I delibritly ignored them because I don't want to be mean I'm just to shy to wave. I wish I could fix this then I would be able to go out there and experience the life that I wish I had. That life just so you know is being able to go out and just be able to pick up, not necessarily sleep with people, just make new friends and talk.

So my love life is pretty much non-existent at the moment, I have one hope and if that turns out they actually don't like me there is no one left I can talk to and I will have to overcome my fear of people, be a man and actually, to my horror, talk to someone new... -gulp- wish me luck.

Lukey T signing out